Just some smiles!
MURPHY'S LAWS
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
- Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50 - 50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong
- If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
- The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
- Torch: A metal tube used to store dead batteries
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.
- I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
- I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'